God Overrules Supreme Court Verdict
Bush to Be Smitten Later Today
In a stunning
development this morning, God invoked the "one nation
under God" clause of the Pledge of Allegiance to overrule
last night's Supreme Court decision that handed the White House
to George Bush.
"I'm not sure where the Supreme Court gets off," God
said this morning on a rare Today Show appearance, "but I'm sure as hell
not going to lay back and let Bush get away with this bullshit."
"I've watched analysts argue for weeks now that the exact
votecount in Florida 'will never be known.' Well, I'm God and I DO know exactly
who voted for whom. Let's cut to the chase: Gore won Florida by exactly 20,219
votes."
Shocking political analysts and pundits, God's unexpected
verdict overrules the official Electoral College tally and awards Florida to
Al Gore, giving him a 289-246 victory. The Bush campaign is analyzing God's Word
for possible grounds for appeal.
"God's ruling is a classic over-reach," argued Bush
campaign strategist Jim Baker. "Clearly, a divine intervention in a U.S.
Presidential Election is unprecedented, unjust, and goes against the constitution
of the state of Florida."
"Jim Baker's a jackass," God responded. "He's
got some surprises ahead of him, let me tell you. HOT ones, if you know what
I mean."
God, who provided the exact vote counts for every Florida precinct, explained
that bad balloting machinery and voter confusion were no grounds to give the
White House to "a friggin' idiot." "Look, only 612 people in
Palm Beach County voted for Buchanan. Get real! The rest meant to vote for
Gore. Don't believe me? I'll name them: Anderson, Pete; Anderson, Sam, Jr.;
Arthur, James; Barnhardt, Ron..."
The Lord then went on to note that he was displeased with
George W. Bush's prideful ways and announced that he would officially smite him
today. In an act of wrath unlike any reported since the Book of Job, God has
taken all of Bush's goats and livestock, stripped him of his wealth and possessions,
sold his family into slavery, forced the former presidential candidate into hard
labor in a salt mine, and afflicted him with deep boils.
Dick Cheney will reportedly receive leprosy.
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