Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the second
presidential debate between Vice President Al Gore and Gov. George
W. Bush. The candidates have agreed on these rules: I will ask
a question. The candidate will ignore the question and deliver
rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to undecided women voters.
The opponent will then have one minute to respond by trying to
frighten senior citizens into voting for him. When a speaker's
time has expired, I will whimper softly while he continues to
spew incomprehensible statistics for three more minutes. Let's
start with the vice president. Mr. Gore, can you give us the
name of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her story
in a way that strains the bounds of common sense?
Gore: As I was saying to Tipper last
night after we tenderly made love the way we have so often during
the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the downtrodden have
a clear choice in this election. My opponent wants to cut taxes
for the richest 1 percent of Americans. I, on the other hand,
want to put the richest 1 percent in an ironclad lockbox so they
can't hurt old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here
tonight. Mrs. Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs,
one by one, to pay for gas so that she can travel to these debates
and personify problems for me. Also, her poodle has arthritis.
Lehrer: Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.
Bush: Governors are on the front
lines every day, hugging people, crying with them, relieving
suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists. I want to empower
those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike my opponent,
whose mother is not Barbara Bush.
Lehrer: Let's turn to foreign affairs.
Gov. Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic were to launch a bid to return
to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to pronounce his name?
Bush: The current administration
had eight years to deal with that guy and didn't get it done.
If I'm elected, the first thing I would do about that guy is
have Dick Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick would
present me several options for dealing with that guy. And then
Dick would tell me which one to choose.
You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough foreign-policy decisions
every day about how we're going to deal with New Mexico.
Lehrer: Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.
Gore: Foreign policy is something
I've always been keenly interested in. I served my country in
Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of poison gas in World
War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And when
that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to Tipper
in a way that any undecided woman voter would find romantic.
If I'm entrusted with the office of president, I pledge to deal
knowledgeably with any threat, foreign or domestic, by putting
it in an ironclad lockbox. Because the American people deserve
a president who can comfort them with simple metaphors.
Lehrer: Vice President Gore, how
would you reform the Social Security system?
Gore: It's a vital issue, Jim. That's
why Joe Lieberman and I have proposed changing the laws of mathematics
to allow us to give $50,000 to every senior citizen without having
it cost the federal treasury a single penny until the year 2250.
In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over the next 10
years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have drugs delivered
free to their homes every Monday by a federal employee who will
also help them with the child-proof cap.
Lehrer: Gov. Bush?
Bush: That's fuzzy math. I know,
because as governor of Texas, I have to do math every day. I
have to add up the numbers and decide whether I'm going to fill
potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds to re-roof
the sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds.
Lehrer: It's time for closing statements.
Gore: I'm my own man. I may not be
the most exciting politician, but I will fight for the working
families of America, in addition to turning the White House into
a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me.
Bush: It's time to put aside the
partisanship of the past by electing no one but Republicans.
Lehrer: Good night.
