Violence-Themed Bar Jokes

Drunk walks into elevator, no elevator there, falls five stories down, lands on the bottom. Lies there a few seconds, slowly opens his eyes, and then says, "Dammit, I said UP."

A bear goes into a bar in Boise, sits up at the bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender looks up and says "I'm sorry but we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Boise." At this the bear gets very upset, and says "If you don't give me a beer I'm going to get really mad!" The bartender not wanting any trouble says "I'm really sorry and I don't want you to get mad but, we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Boise."
Now at this point the bear is getting really mad! So he looks around and sees a couple quietly having dinner. He gets up and knocks the table over, the couple scream and run out. Now the bear asks the bartender, "How did you like that? Do I get my beer now?" The bartender says "I didn't like that at all! But..we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Boise!" The bear is getting visibly upset, "Look, if you don't give me that beer I'm going to hurt someone!" Now the crowd is getting nervous, the bartender again tries to calm the now very, very upset bear down, "I'd really rather you not hurt anyone, but I still can't give you that beer because...we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Boise!"
Well at his point the bear jumps up and grabs the guy sitting next to him and tears into him, ripping him to pieces. Everyone is horrified and the poor guy crawls out the door. The bear feeling sure he'll get his beer now says "So, how did you like that? How about my beer?" The bartender holds his ground and says "That was terrible!! I really wish you wouldn't have done that but...we do not serve beers to bears in bars in Boise!" So now the bear gets furious, "If you don't give me that beer I'm going to KILL someone!" Of course the bartender doesn't doubt it but tells him "Please don't kill anyone! But....we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Boise!"
Well as you can imagine the bear is crazy by now and looks to the end of the bar and see's this sleazy,nasty woman with fishnet stockings, sucking on a cigarette, guzzling down drinks. So he gets up and goes down to her rips her off the stool, tears her in half,rips out her guts, blood goes everywhere as he eats her up! He then turns to the bartender with blood dripping from his mouth, "SO.. NOW DO I GET THAT BEER?" The bartender is sickened by what he see's, "That was awful!! I sure wish you wouldn't have done that because we also don't serve beers to people that do drugs!" Well the bear can't believe it, "I don't do drugs!"
The bartender replies "Oh yes you do ...what about that barbitchyouate?"

"Hey, bartender," says a customer, sitting at the bar. "What kind of
bird is that sitting on the perch?"
"Oh," says Bob the bartender, "that's a Crunchy Bird!"
"I never heard of a Crunchy Bird," says the patron.
"Just watch," says Bob. He takes a newspaper off the bar and throws it
down on the floor, then he turns to the bird and says, "Crunchy Bird, my
paper!" The bird swoops down and attacks the newspaper. He rips it to
shreds until there's nothing left but tiny pieces of confetti.
"Wow," says the customer, "can I try?"
"Be my guest," the bartender replies.
The customer takes off his shoe and puts it on the bar and says,
"Crunchy Bird, my shoe!" The bird flies down off the perch and picks the
shoe up with his beak. He slams the shoe down on the bar and starts
attacking it. In no time, the shoe is reduced to nothing but a few pieces
of leather and a shoelace. Then the bird flies back to his perch behind
the bar. Suddenly a tough looking guy walks into the bar. He yells, "Gimme a drink NOW!" He looks around the bar snarling and yells at the patrons, "What the Hell are you clowns looking at?" The bar is completely silent. Then the bully notices the bird and says, "What the Hell kind of stupid looking bird is that?"
"That's a Crunchy Bird," says bartender Bob.
The tough guy laughs and yells, "Crunchy Bird, my eye!"

These two hunters enter the bar every day, the first one always carries the skin of an bear, the other one always empty handed. So the second one goes up to the first hunter and asks him how he gets to shoot a bear every day. "Well, that's easy", he replies," I just go over to one of those holes in the mountain, stand in front of it and shout; 'yo, fat fucking cunt of a bear, get your stinking ass out off this fucking hole!' as loud as I can, then the bear gets out and I shoot the fucker, easy as." "O.K." the other one says, "I'll remember that". So the next day the first hunter comes into the bar with his skin and orders a beer. About ten minutes later the second one crawls in, covered in blood, missing an leg, kinda really fucked up. So the other hunter yells "What the fuck happened to you man?!", "Aargh", says the other one " I did what you told me to do, I went to a hole, started shouting and swearing at that fucking bear and guess what happened?" "What?" "A fucking train came out"

A man walks into a bar and orders a round of drinks for the house, a shot for himself and a shot for the bartender. After everyone takes their drink the bartender turns to the man and says "That'll be $89." The man looks at the bartender and says "Sorry I don't have any money." The bartender then proceeds to kick the shit out of the man and throw him out. The next day same man comes walking into the bar. He then proceeds to order a round of drinks for the house, a shot for himself and a shot for the bartender. After everyone finishes their drink the bartender says "That'll be $96." Man says, "Sorry but I don't have any money." The bartender again proceeds to kick his ass and throw him out. The next day AGAIN the same man comes walking into the bar. The bartender thinks to himself, "He can't be THAT stupid he has to have brought money!" The guy sits down and orders a round of drinks for the house and a shot for himself. The bartender then asks "What about my shot?" The man looks at him and replies "Sorry but you get too violent when you drink!"

A guy with a prosthetic arm walks into a bar and sits down. This arm is the newest type of prosthetic to hit the market, you actually tell it what to do. So this guy is sitting there giving it commands, pick up the cup give me a drink..... After a while he notices that he has to piss like a race horse so he goes to the restroom and starts to give it commands. Take it out & hold it, and then all of a sudden he gets this massive hard-on and he is pretty horny. He says "jerk it off" so his hand grabs his dick and rips the fucker right off. The man totally confused and out of pain yells "fuck me" so the arm shoves it in his ass and starts to fuck him. Now the man is just pissed so he says "look at this shit" and the arm pulls the dick out of his ass and shoves it in his eye.

An alien walked into a bar and sits down and ordered a drink. Once he is done, he ran down the counter and spit in this guy's face. He then went back and ordered another drink. Again, once he finished his drink, he ran back down and spit in the guy's face. The guy said, "Hey! If you do that again, I'll pull down your pants and rip your nuts off!" The alien went back get a third drink, drank half of the glass, ran to the end of the counter and again spit in the guy's face. The guy stood up and yelled, "That's it, you little twerp!" He pulled down the alien's pants, stared for a second and said, "If you don't have a penis or nuts, how in the world do you go to the bathroom?" The alien took one last drink from the glass and spit in the guy's face.

A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight." The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one." The bartender pours the drink, but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?" So, the man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought, "Wow, this has never happened before." You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later I feel this hand moving around in my lap and the blonde leans over, licks my ear, and asks if I'm interested. I couldn't believe this was happening. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. So, of course, I went with her. This was just too good to be true."
He continued, "She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. As soon as she shut the door, she slips out of her dress. That was all she was wearing! I tell you, it didn't take me much longer to get out of my clothes. But, as soon as I jumped into the bed, I hear some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door." "The blonde says, 'Oh my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight, he's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'" "So, I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me."
The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point." "Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, 'Who you been sleeping with now, witch?' The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now come to bed and calm down.'" Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?' I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.'
But, the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I hear water running for a long time and I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"
The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have pissed me off for sure." "No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold onto this glass." The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset." "No, that wasn't what really pissed me off."
The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally piss you off?" "Well, I was hanging there and I turned around and looked down and I was only about 6 inches off the ground."

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