Sex-Themed Bar Jokes

An obnoxious drunk in a bar trying to get a girl to go home with him says, "Hey, baby, how do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Girl says, "Unfertilized. Beat it!"

A guy walked into a bar and sat down next to an extremely gorgeous woman. The first thing he noticed about her though, was her pants. They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or velcro) for opening them. After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.
"Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?"
"Well," she replied, "you can start by buying me a drink."

This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing some sort of tube top. She has never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so as a result, she has a thick black bush under each arm. Every 20 minutes, she raises her arm up and flags the bartender for another drink. This goes on all night. The other people in the bar see her hairy pits every time she raises her arm. Near the end of the night, this drunk at the end of the bar says to the bartender, "Hey, I'd like to buy the ballerina a drink". The bartender replies, "She's not a ballerina. What makes you think she's a ballerina?" The drunk says, "Any girl that can life her leg that high HAS to be a ballerina!"

In a Poor town in the middle of nowhere and no women...... A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "How can you live in this town without any women?". The bartender replies, "It's not that bad, sir, when we get lonely we go out back where there is a barrel with a knothole in it. It never sounds appeasing at first, but after one try you're hooked." So after a few beers, the guy starts getting a little lonely and tells the bartender he's gonna go find the barrel. At that, he walks up to the barrel and sticks it in the knothole. After about 5 minutes he ventures back to the bar and tells the bartender, "Man, that's the greatest stuff I've ever had!! What do I owe ya?". To which the bartender replies, "Nothing, but it's your turn to get in the barrel".

A man walks into a bar. Sits down and drinks beer after beer, till at last he runs out of cash. The bartender knows, and refuses him more drinks. After the mans incessant pleading, he agrees to three more, on the house, if he does three things. First he has to knock out the bouncer, a strapping young man. Then he has to pull a bad tooth that belongs to the bulldog in the back, and have sex with the town runaround who is sitting by herself at the end of the bar. "No problem" he replies, and proceeds to the door where he knocks the bouncer out, with one blow! The bartender, amazed, points then to the back. The man nods, and heads off to pull the pooch's tooth. After a second, all that can be heard is the dog barking loudly. "Ruff ruff ruff". Ten minutes later, again. "Ruff ruff ruff". Again, after ten, "Ruff ruff ruff". The bartender begins to worry until he finally sees the man coming around front, a proud look on his face. He grins at the bartender and says, "Ok, nows where's the runaround with the loose tooth?"

Two guys wandered into a bar. One of the men shouted to the barkeeper,"Hiya, Mike. Set 'em up for me and my pal here." Then he turned to his slightly dim partner and boasted, "This is a great bar. For every two drinks you buy, the house gives you one. And the pinball machines in the back are free!" "That's not so great, "responded the friend. "There's a bar across town That'll match you drink for drink, and you can get laid in the back for free." "Where is this place?" the first guy exclaimed. "Oh, I don't know," the dim fellow replied, "but my wife goes there all the time."

A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. The bartender brings his beer, and says " None of my business, mister, but how come you got such a small head?"
The guy sips his beer, and says, " Well, a few years back, I was shipwrecked on a small island. After a couple of weeks of being there, I found this bottle, and when I rubbed it a genie came out. She said ' For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes.' So, being shipwrecked, I wished to be rescued.' A ship is on its way' she says. Next, I wished to be rich.' You will have untold wealth when you return home'. Well, having been on the island alone for awhile, I wished to have sex with the genie. She said, 'I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to do that.' So I says, Well how about giving me a little head?"

While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are you celebrating?" he asked.
"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."
"How did it happen?"
"I switched cocks."
"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.

The middle aged gentleman stopped in at a neighborhood tavern and was enjoying a drink at the bar when a young man with a huge multicolored mohawk took a seat next to him. He couldn't help but stare at the young man.
"Hey dude, what's your problem?" the mohawked man barked, clearly annoyed. "Didn't you ever do anything crazy when you were young?"
Of course. That's the reason I was staring," the older man replied.
"Once when I was young, I got really drunk and had sex with a peacock on dare; I couldn't help wondering if you were my son."

A man walks into a bar one night and asks for 3 drinks. The bartender asks the man what is wrong, to which the man replied, "My oldest son is a homosexual." So the bartender gives him 3 drinks. A few months later the man walks in and asks the bartender for five drinks. Again the bartender asked the man what was wrong. "My second son is a homosexual." The bartender gives him five drinks, and the man goes on his way. Several months later, he walks in again and asks for ten drinks. The bartender again asks what's wrong. "My youngest son just admitted he's homosexual." To which the bartender replied, "My goodness, isn't there anybody in your family that like women?" "Yeah, my wife does."

A man enters a bar and asks the barkeep for a shell, as the barkeep
serves him the man reaches into his coat pocket and places a small piano upon the bar then out of the other pocket he produces a 12 in high man who begins to play the piano. The barkeep is amazed and ask where did he get them. The man answers with the typical gene reply there by the barkeep ask if he still had the bottle and if so would he sell it? The man answered that he might still have the bottle and if so the barkeep could have it at no cost, he left and returned shortly with a old bottle giveing it to the barkeep. The barkeep ran to the other end of the bar and soon the bar was filled with thousands of ducks. The barkeep returned to the man complaining that that he wished for 10,000 fucks
not ducks. The man replied " due you think I wished for a 12 pianist"?

David walked into a bar, sat down and brought a beer.
The bloke siting next to him looked at him and said "I have a proposion for you".
"Yeah, I'm listening", David replied.
"I have a frog which gives the best head you have ever had and I'm prepared to sell you five minutes with it for five bucks, what do you say?"
David paused for a moment before handing the bloke five dollars and saying "What the hell, I'll give it a go." The man handed David a small green frog. David took the frog and walked out the door and into the back lane.
Five minutes later David returned with a huge grin on his face, he walked straight up the man and said "That was fucking awsome. You have to sell me this frog!"
"Ok then, five hundred dollars" the man replied.
"Done" said David.
Later that night David arrived home.
When he entered the room his girlfriend, who was sitting at the kitchen table looked up and said "How was your day?"
David placed the frog on the table in front of her and said "Teach this to cook and clean and get the fuck out!"

A Sailor walked into a bar, and noticed a horse, in a stall, at one end of the bar. In a large bucket in front of the stall was a lot of money. The guy asked, "What's with the horse and money?" THe bartender said,
"Anyone who puts $10 in the bucket and can make the horse laugh, will win the money." "Well," the guy said, "that ought to be easy enough." He went over to the horse, whispered in his ear, and the horse busted out laughing. The sailor took his money and left. A few months later the same guy walked into the same bar, and there was the same horse with the same bucket of money. The guy asked if the deal was still the same. The bartender said,"No, ever since you were here last, the horse hasn't stopped laughing, so now the deal is that if you can make him cry, without touching him, you get the money." "Well," the guy said, "that's easy too." He walked over to the horse, entered the stall for a minute, did something, and the horse busted out crying. The sailor took his money and started to go. The bartender stopped him and said, "Now wait a minute. first you come in here and make the horse laugh his head off, now you come in and he's crying his eyes out. What did you say and do to that horse?" The sailor replied, "Well the first time, I told him that my dick was bigger than his. The second time, I showed him!"

A man walked into a bar and explained to the bartender that he had had a very bad day and wanted the most potent drink there was. The bartender explained that he would make the drink, but the man could only drink one. After drinking the one, the man wanted another. The bartender said that one was enough but the man insisted. After drinking the second one, the man wanted a third. The bartender said that no one had drank two much less three. The man insisted so the bartender reluctantly made the third. After drinking it, the man stumbled out very drunk.
The next day the man walked into the bar and told the bartender "I had the worse night...I went home and blew chunks". The bartender said I told you so...they were potent drinks. "No", said the man, "you don't understand...my dog's name is Chunks".

A woman goes into a bar and orders 21 gin martinis. The bartender tells
her she can't handle them all, but she insists he line 'em up. He does,
she drinks them all down and passes out.
A guy sees her there passed out and says, "You know, we could all fuck
her and she'd never know." So they all do.
After a while, she wakes up and goes home.
The next day, she goes back to the bar. The bartender recognizes her and says, "Another 21 gin martinis?"
"No," she says, "they make my pussy hurt."

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.
"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."
The bartender says "Well then, lets see!" So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch.
He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."

This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?" He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss." She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!" She goes, "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."

There is a guy. His favorite bar is called 'Sally's Legs'.
The bar is closed, so he waits outside for it to open.
He was waiting a long time and a cop got suspicious, came over to him, and asked, "What are you doing?"
The guy replies, "I'm waiting for 'Sally's Legs' to open so I can get a drink."

Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand" "So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?" "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

A koala walks into a bar one night, slams his paw down on the table, and orders a drink. When he's done, slam goes his paw again for more. This goes on for about half an hour, and just when he was going to do it again, the barkeep told him if he was looking for a good time, there was some one in the back room who could help him, the koala decides why not and goes into the back room. There he meets a prostitute who is waiting for him. That night he has the best sex he has ever had. After the prostitute turns to the koala and says, "How about my money," the koala looked confused and the prostitute brought out a dictionary and it said...PROSTITUTE: Has sex for money. So in response the koala turn to the definition for the koala and it says. KOALA: Eats bush and leaves.

A man is in a bar and has one too many drinks. This beautiful lady sits down next to him. He turns to her and says "Hey how bout it. You and me, gettin it on. I've got a couple dollars and it looks like you could use a little money." She stands up and says, "What makes you think I charge by the inch."

This horny guy walks into a bar looking for an easy pick-up. Not long after he entered along came this gorgeous looking blonde. So the guy saunters over and takes a seat next to the blonde. He offers to buy her a drink and immediately strikes up a conversation. A short while later, the guy asks the blonde if she would like to go to his house for a private dance party, just the two of them. "Sure sweetheart," comes the reply from the blonde. So they both finish off their drinks and drive on over to the guys house. When they get inside, the guy says, "You know, I only know one dance." "Yeah, which one is it?" Queries the blonde. "It's the Horizontal Bop", the guy replies. "Well Honey", the blonde replies, "We cannot do the Horizontal Bop!" "So how about doing the 'Vertical Bop' instead?" "You want to have sex standing up, instead?" Says the guy. "Hell Yes, Sweetheart!" The blonde exclaims. "I'm a Transsexual!" "Now drop your pants and underwear and bend over Love, I'm the invitee, so I'll go first!"

A new girl (she's in her mid-twenties) in town walks into a bar on a Friday night. She walks up to the bartender and asks for a bud light. She drinks the bud light, goes to the back and passes out. While passed out, a sleazy business man sees her and has sex with her. The following Friday night the same girl walks into the same bar and, again, asks for a bud light. She drinks it, goes to the back, and passes out. The same sleazy man sees her, grabs two of his friends, and they all have sex with her. The next Friday night comes along, the girl walks into the same bar and, again, asks for a bud light. She drinks it, goes to the back, and passes out. This time a crowd of about twenty guys see this and all have sex with her. The next Friday night, the girl walks into the same bar. This time the bar is packed with men. She squirms her way to the bar, and before she can say anything, the bartender says, "let me guess, a Bud Light?" She replies, "No, no I'll have a Miller Lite." The bartender then asks, "Why? Does Bud Light get you too drunk too fast and make you pass out?" The girl responds, "No, Bud Light makes my pussy hurt!"

A girl walks into a bar and is very sad. She tells the bartender that she's never been laid . He gives her something that another girl left there. He said take this purple penis and say purple penis and the object you want it to go to. She says purple penis my pussy. It goes to it, soon she gets tired and runs out of the bar she finds a police man and he says what's the matter she says there is a purple penis chasing me. He says purple penis my ass.

Three guys walk into a bar, an English guy an Irish guy and a Samoan guy. they all walk up to the bar and order a beer. The English man sits down and says to the other two men, "Man my wife is the most stupidest wife in the world, she bought $200 worth of cookware and she can't even cook". The Irish looks over and says "You think that's stupid listen to this, my wife bought a $20,000 car and she doesn't even know how to drive"! Then the Samoan man speaks up and says in fresh island accent "No way man my wife is the most stupidest wife in the world, she booked a trip to Hawaii and bought $400 worth of condoms and she doesn't even have a penis!!!"

The Fo'csle bar in Ketchikan, Alaska is known for being one of the toughest, roughest bars in all of America. A lot of tourists pass through Ketchikan and often wander, by mistake, into the Fo'csle. Keeping in mind that there are 7 men to every one woman in Alaska, the sign posted behind the bar is hilarious.
"Remember ladies, when you leave Alaska, you're ugly again."

A priest and a rabbi were in a bar having a drink when the priest said, "Your religion is a unique one in that you do not eat pork. In all the years that you have been a rabbi, have you not at least once eaten pork, not even a bar-b-q sandwich?" "Well i must confess", replied the rabbi, "I did once give in to weakness while passing a bar-b-q joint, the smell got to me and I had pork and I must say it was wonderful." After a pause the rabbi continued. "Now I must say your religion is quite unique in that priests do not have sex. Are you prepared to tell me that you have never experienced sex in your whole life?" The priest replied " Yes I must confess that once when I was young, I did have sex." To which the rabbi said," It was a hell of lot a better than pork, wasn't it?"

This gay guy walks into this bar every time he comes from work and goes to the same bar every week. So the guy all the time asks the bartender "give me a woman" and the bartender tells him" we don't have women around here". So the guy leaves. Next day the same guy comes and asks the bartender "give me a woman." "No women around here said the bartender" so the guy leaves. The bartender said" I bet that guy is coming tomorrow", So what the bar tender does is he blows up one of those air dolls and puts it up stairs. So the same guy walks into the bar again and goes to the bar tender "give me a woman" Yes she is right up stairs waiting for you" OK" said the guy. So the guy goes up stairs. The bartender worried, "where is this guy he been up there for 4 hours what the hell is going on?" So the guy goes up stairs opens the door and sees the guy crying on top of the bed" what happen where his the girl" said the bartender I bit her nipple she flew out the window.

This man walks into his local pub and sees his mate. They have a couple of drinks and then they both start complaining about their women. The first man says that his wife always complains about him coming home so late smelling of booze so his mate says there's a very simple cure for that: "go home climb into bed and start eating her out." So the man sure enough goes home that evening and slips into bed and starts eating-her-out. She's groaning and enjoying herself when the call of nature comes. So he excuses himself and goes to the toilet. When he gets to the toilet he is very surprised because his wife is there he tries to ask her what's going on but she says "ssshhh you'll wake my mother she's using our room for the night."

A well dressed doctor walks into to a bar and sees only one patron, an obviously drunk women who was sobbing uncontrollably. The doctor, being a compassionate man, sits next to the lady and asks her what her problem is. The lady turns to him and says that her husband, whom she loves dearly, has terrible dandruff and won't go out in public with her. The doctor states that the easiest remedy would be to give him Head & Shoulders. The lady pauses for a second and asks, "O.K., but how do I give shoulders?"

This guy walks into a bar with his friend. A couple minutes later, this really hot chick walks in. The first guys sez, "whoa, she's HOT!" so his friend sez "go for it!". So the first guys goes up to the chick and tells her she's a babe. She tells him she's a prostitute and she'll do anything he wants for a hundred bucks. The guys says "well, my wife told me to be home early tonight, so how's tomorrow?" She says okay, so the next day they meet back at the bar and they both go back to his place. The man says he wants a blow job, so the chick drops to her knees and blows him till he cant stand it anymore! The guy sez, whoa, that was great! So he plops down his hundred bucks and she says "no charge". The guy says, that was great, so why not? and the prostitute sez "It's President's day"

A fairly unattractive short guy walks into a bar, upon entering has a quick glance about for potential friends, sees no one he knows and unhappily walks up to the bar. He orders a white wine and starts mumbling to himself, the bartender, obviously quite distressed about the well being of this guy, starts making small talk with the man. "So how has your day been he says?" The ugly man looks round and replies, "Not too good, my friend, today is my 35th birthday and i haven't had sex for 25 years". To this the bartender replies, "well i don't mean to be offensive but you are one ugly guy, i tell you what, just for a laugh i will buy you a drink if you go and chat up the girl at the end of the bar." The man then looks round and sees an absolutely stunning brunette about 23 years old sitting by herself sipping away at a half empty wine glass. The man turns back to the bartender pauses for a second and smugly replies, ok. The man then walks over to the brunette sits down beside her and says, "I know you will never go out with a guy like me, but i bet you $20 dollars i can make you orgasm in the next 5 minutes without even touching you?" The girl looks back knows that this is impossible and seems such easy money kindly accepts the mans offer. The man smiling wildly then picks the girl up throws her on the bar pulls her dress up and fucks her for 5 minutes. The man then slaps down $20 dollars and leaves.

A guys walks into a bar where there is loud music playing. He spots a pretty girl at the end of the bar and approaches her. He says "Would you like to dance?" and she replies "I really don't like this song. And even if I did I wouldn't dance with you." To which the guy replies "I don't think you heard me correctly. I said you look fat in those pants."

After a bit of Christmas shopping three little old ladies, shivering from the cold, decided to get a drink at a local bar. After the second round of hot toddies, the first little old lady said to the others "Have any of you decided what to give the doorman of our building for Christmas?" The first little old lady said, "I think I'll give him some money........ I think he could use the money." The second little old lady said, "Perhaps, but I've seen him at this bar several times, already..........I think I'll give him a bottle." The two of them turn to the third little old lady, who was quietly sipping her drink and asked, "......and what are YOU giving the doorman for Christmas?" "I," said the woman with a smile, "am giving the doorman SEX." What the two exclaimed, "You're giving the doorman sex! And what does your husband think about that?" "In fact," she replied, "my husband told me I should give the doorman sex. Why just last night I asked my husband 'What are we giving the doorman for Christmas?' and he said to me..........'The doorman, FUCK THE DOORMAN !!!!!!!"

A big burly mountaineer is up in the Rockies doing...whatever it is that mountaineers do for about 6 months straight. In 6 months you can imagine how horny he got. He hikes down into the valley and walks into the local bar/whorehouse. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender "give me a bottle of whiskey and I want the biggest baddest bitch you got" The bartender replies, "Well here's your whiskey, and you must be talking about Bear. She's upstairs to the right." The man downs his bottle and goes upstairs into the room the bartender told him about and there on the bed is the biggest baddest bitch he's ever seen. She fucks the shit out of him. Banging him off walls, breaking shit, she fucks him raw. He thanks her, pays her, and tells her he'll see her again in six months. Back to the mountains he goes. Six months later he walks into the same bar/whorehouse, walks up to the bartender and says, "Give me a bottle of whiskey and I'm looking for Bear." The bartender hands him a bottle and says, "Bears a little busy right now you'll have to wait." The mountaineer tells him it's no problem and begins to drink his whiskey. A black woman in the corner who's been watching him since he came in walks over and sits down on the stool next to him. "I'm sorry sir," she says, "but You look like a man that might be very well endowed." "Well, that I am miss." he says. "Do you mind if I touch it?" the black lady asks. "No not at all." and with that she reaches down and grabs a hold of him. "Wow," she says, "it is really big. Can I suck on it?" "No no no." He says, "Can't do that. This things loaded for Bear, It's liable to blow the head right off a coon."

So okay, this guy walks into a bar and he sees his friend's wife, Julia, sitting there talking to the bartender. He slides over next to her and he says "Hey Julia, will you come into the back room with me?" So she says okay. When they get there, he says, "Julia, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.If I could just see one of your breasts, I would die a happy man. Plus, I'll pay you $200". So Julia thinks what the heck, $200 is $200. So she unbuttons her shirt and opens one side of it up. The guy promptly throws $200 on the table. Then he says to her "Those are the most beautiful breasts I've ever seen, if you would show me both of them together, I'll give you another $200". So she shows him both of her breasts. He then throws another $200 on the table and leaves. That night when Julia gets home, she tells her husband that she ran into his friend at the bar earlier. He says "That's nice, did he say anything about the $400 he owes me?"

A man is walking into a hotel bar and as he does so he bumps into a very attractive woman. He says to her "sorry, if your heart is as soft as your breast I know you will forgive me." to which the woman replies "if your penis is as hard as your elbow my room is 211."

One night, while tending bar, the bartender notices this hideous looking fella at the far end of the bar with several hot women around him. Finally, the bartender's curiosity gets the best of him, and he walks down to where the ugly man is. The bartender says, "Please don't get offended when I tell you this, but I couldn't help noticing you have several beautiful women hanging all over you, and, forgive me, but you are not exactly the most handsome person I've ever seen. In fact, you're quite ugly. Now, normally, I would think these ladies are attracted to you because of your money, but I can tell by the way you're dressed and the fact that they are buying YOU drinks, it's not the money. Tell me, sir, what is it about you that these women are so crazy about?"
The man paused a moment, licked his eyebrows, and said, "I haven't the foggiest idea."

Three guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her."
The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said; "Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go fuck herself."

Bert met Flo in a bar one night and began buying her drinks. They hit it off pretty well and soon Bert suggested they go to his apartment for some extracurricular activity. Well it wasn't long before they found themselves in bed making passionate love. As they were making love though, Bert noticed that Flo's toes would curl up as he was thrusting in and out.
When they were done, Bert laid back on the bed and said, "I must have been pretty good tonight. I noticed your toes curling up when I was going in and out."
Flo looked at him and smiled. "That usually happens when someone forgets to remove my pantyhose."

Three ladies are sitting at a bar.
One says "my pussy is so big my husband can stick his fist up it."
The second lady says "mine is so big my husband can stick BOTH fists up it!"
The third lady just laughed and slid down the bar stool.

Two guys walk into a bar and are scamming for two legged females.
The first guy says, "Hey check out the blond over there. I bet she's really hot in bed!" He procedes to go over and makes small talk with her. Before long they both leave for a one nighter.
The next day, the two guys meet up and are again scamming for anything that breathes. The second guy goes over to the same blond, pinches her in the rear and were off for a quickie. Fifteen minutes later, the second guy comes back and compares notes with the first guy.
The first guy says, "I think my wife is better."
The second guys nods his head and says, "Yeh, your wife is better!"

Vampire #1: Walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a Bloody Mary.
Vampire #2: Walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a Bloody Mary.
Vampire #3: Walks into the bar.
bartender: Says, "Let me guess, you want a Bloody Mary"
Vampire #3: Replies, "No, just give me a cup of hot water." He then pulls out a bloody tampon and says, "I'm having tea today!"

It's a Saturday afternoon in a bar, and the football game won't start for an hour. The guys already have a load on, so they decide to have a contest to see who has the longest dick. They each chip in $20.00 to the pot and start taking turns measuring. About half way through the contest, a midget walks in the door. Everyone kind of stifles the activity to see what will happen. One of the guys whispers, "Hey its a sure extra twenty for the winner." One of the other guys walks over to the midget, explains what they're doing and asks him if he would like to participate. The midget says, "Okay!" and tosses $20.00 on the bar.
The midget gets up last and is challenging 17". He rolls out 21" of soft dick then scoops up all the money and begins to count it. The bartender walks over and asks, "I don't want to sound queer or anything but, if its 21" when you're soft how big is it when you're hard"? The midget looks up and says, "Well, I don't really know. When it gets hard, all the blood rushes out of my head and I pass out."

Two bikers walk in a bar. Once inside, they see that it is full of men and soon realize that it is a gay bar. It suddenly goes quiet as everybody stares at them.
One biker says to the other, "Let's blow this joint!"
It took them two hours to leave the place.

A slobbering drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and grabbed her breast. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed.
"That's funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realise there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how lifelike he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his dick. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look," says the second nun "a soap dispenser!" To test her theory she also pulls his dick and sure enough he drops the last bar of soap. The third nun then pulls, first once, then twice and three times but still nothing happens. So she tries once more and to her delight she yells "Look, hand cream!"

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