100 Fun Things to do With a Pizza Order Person

1. If using a touch tone phone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person to stop doing that.

2. Make up a charge card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. Use CB lingo where applicable.

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this conversation.”

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you’re going with the lowest bidder.

7. Give them you address, exclaim, “Oh, just surprise me!” and hang up.

8. Answer their questions with questions.

9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask them if they have something outlandishly sinful.

10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: Robust, Free spirited, cost efficient, Ukrainian, puce.

11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica’s Master of Puppets CD.

13. Do not nane the toppings you want, rather, spell them out.

14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say ‘crazy bread’.

15. Stutter on the letter ‘p’.

16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else (like at a competitors pizza place).

17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

18. Crack you knuckles into the receiver.

19. Say hello, act stunned for 5 seconds, then behave as if they called you.

20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic, and become disorientated.

21. Tell the order taker you’re depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

23. Change your accent every 3 seconds.

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern from an equation that you are about do dictate. Ask if they need to get a piece of paper.

25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say, “Bed Wetter’s Camp, right?”

26. Start your order with, “I’d like...” a little later, slap your self and say, “No, I don’t.”

27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, “Ok, that’ll be $10.99, please pull up to the first window.

28. Rent a pizza.

29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

31. Put the accent on the last syllable of ‘pepperoni’. Use the long ‘i’ sound.

32. Have your pizza shaken, not stirred.

33. Say, “Are you sure this is Pizza Place?” When they say yes, say, “Well, so is this! You’ve got some explaining to do!” When they finally prove that is is, start to cry and ask, “Do you know what it’s like to be lied to?”

34. Move the mouth piece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends jerk the mouth piece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the to of your lungs.

35. Tell them to double check to make sure your pizza is in fact dead.

36. Imitate the order taker’s voice.

37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

38. When they say, “What would you like?” Say, “Huh? Oh you mean now.”

39. Play a sitar in the background.

40. Say it’s your anniversary and you’d appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive home to surprise them.

41. Amuse the order taker with little known facts about country music.

42. Ask to see a menu.

43. Quote Carl Sandberg.

44. Say you’ll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; the tell your dog it should be ashamed.

48. Order a slice, not the whole pizza.

49. Shout, “I’m through with men/women. Send me a dozen of your best Gaston!”

50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, “Where was I? Who are you?”

51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.

52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

53. Order two toppings, then say, “No, they’ll start fighting.”

54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn’t mean it.

56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tall his supervisor that he is fired.

57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.

58. Use expletives like “Great Cesar’s Ghost” and “Jesus Joseph and Mary In Tinsel Town”.

59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

60. If he/she suggest anything, adamantly declare, “I shall not be swayed by your sweet words.”

61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

62. Try to talk while drinking something.

63. Start the conversation with “My call to Pizza Place, Take 1, and…action!”

64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

66. Be vague in your order.

67. When they repeat the order, say, “Again, but with a little more OOMPH this time.”

68. If using a touch- tone phone, press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds.

69. After ordering, say, “I wonder what THIS button does?” Simulate a cut off.

70. Start the conversation by reciting today’s date and saying, “This may be my last entry.”

71. State your order and say that’s as far as this relationship is going to get.

72. Ask if they’re familiar with the term ‘spanking a pizza’. Make up a description to go with the term, then ask that this be done to your pizza.

73. Say, “Kssssssssssht” rather loudly into the phone, then ask if the felt that.

74. Detect the order taker’s psychic aura and use it to your advantage.

75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

78. Perfect a celebrity’s voice. Stress that you won’t take any crap from some two-bit can’t hack it pimple faced gofer.

79. Put them on hold.

80. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

81. Mumble, “There’s a bomb under your seat.” When asked to repeat that, say, “I said, ‘sauce smothered with meat.”

82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say, “No mushrooms please.” Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is again repeated, change it again. On the third time, say, “You just don’t get it, do you?”

84. When you’re given the price, say, “Oooooo, that sounds complicated, I hate math.”

85. Haggle.

86. Order a one inch pizza.

87. Order term life insurance.

88. When they say, “Will that be all?” Snicker and say, “We’ll find out, won’t we.”

89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.

92. Engage in some serious swapping.

93. Dance all around the word ‘pizza’. Avoid saying it at all costs. If they say it, say, “Please don’t mention that word.”

94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell, “OW!” when a bullet is fired.

95. If they suggest a side order, ask why they are punishing you.

96. Ask if the pizza has had all it’s shots.

97. Order a steamed pizza.

98. Get the taker’s name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, “This is your wake up call so-and-so!” hang up.

99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

100. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say in your best pouty voice, “Last guy let me do it.”

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