Other Bar Jokes

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Miscellaneous Bar Jokes

A guy walks in a bar, and buys a huge beer. Then he sees someone he knows, and decides to go and say hi to them, but he does not want to drag his beer mug with him. So he sets it on a table, along with a note "I spit in this beer" hoping that noone will steal it then. Upon return, he sees another note saying "Me too!"

Two hamburgers walk into a bar. They go up to the bartender and say, "We'd like two pizzas with mushrooms." The bartender replies, "I'm sorry we don't serve food."

A guy from up North (Canada) goes into a classy bar in the South (States). This bar has a dress code, and the maitre d' demands he wear a tie. Discouraged, the guy goes to his car to sulk when inspiration strikes: He's got jumper cables in the trunk! So he wraps them around his neck, sort of like a string tie (a bulky string tie to be sure) and returns to the bar. The maitre d' is reluctant, but says to the guy, "Okay, you're a pretty resourceful fellow, you can come in... but just don't start anything"!

This guy walks into a bar, carrying a crocodile and a chicken. He sets them down on the stool next to him, and says to the (uncertain-looking) bartender "I'll have a Scotch and Soda." Then the crocodile says "And I'll have a Whiskey Sour." The (dumbfounded) bartender gasps "That's incredible; I've never seen a crocodile that could talk!" And the guy says "He can't; the chicken is a ventriloquist."

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down a monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the pint. The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piana player and says "Do you know your
monkey pissed in my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it I'll play it."

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps all around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it..
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.
"Now what?", responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!", says the barkeep.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

A doctor used to visit the same bar every day and order the same drink day in/day out. "Fix me an almond Daquiri, Dick!" the fellow asked. "Coming right up!". This was the way it went for years on end.
Finally one day, the bartender realized there were no more almonds anywhere in his inventory, and his customer was waiting anxiously at the bar for his favorite beverage. In a hurry, he figured that he could use a hickory nut, crush it up, the man would never know the difference. Well, the doctor took a sip of the drink and said "Is this an almond Daquiri, Dick?". "Well, no, it's a hickory Daquiri, Doc."

Fella in his hospital bed keeps ringing for the nurse because he has to take a dump really bad. He can't hold it any more and finally messes in his bed. To clean it up, he pulls the sheet off the bed, wads it up, and tosses it out the window.
Joe, the local inebriate, is on his way to his favorite haunt when this sheet happens to land square on his head. He staggers into the bar, and the bartender, taking one look and a getting a whiff of the brown stuff, sez, "Joe, you smell AWFUL."
Joe sez, "You would too, if you just beat the shit out of a ghost."

It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and bellied up to the bar. "What will you have?" the bartender asked.
"I'll have a glass of blood," the first replied.
"I'll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second.
"I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third.
"OK, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That'll be two bloods and a blood light?"

A guy walked into a bar and ordered a glass of 5-year-old brandy. The bartender promptly gave him his drink. After taking a sip, the man told the bartender that he had given him 1-year-old brandy. The bartender apologized and poured him another drink. The man took a sip and complained to the bartender that he had given him 3-year-old brandy. The bartender apologized and poured him anohter drink. The man took a sip and replied to the bartender that this was 5-year-old brandy. Having overheard the conversation, an elderly man replied, "You sure do know your brandy." The man proudly said, "I like to think so." The old man asked if he would taste his drink and tell him the age. "Sure," he replied and began to take a sip. Quickly, the man spit out the drink and yelled, "This is not brandy! It's pee!" "Yep," replied the elder, "now tell me how old I am."

A man in a bar catches the bartender's attention and presents the following wager: "I'll bet you $20 I can bite my right eyeball." The bartender, who is keen to see this, agrees to the bet. The patron pulls his glass eye out and bites it. "Well, you got me" says the bartender, and heads to the till. "Wait," says the patron, "I'll give you a chance to get your money back. I'll bet you double or nothing I can bite my left eyeball." The bartender, thinking that the patron can't have two glass eyes, agrees to this. Whereupon the patron pulls out his dentures, and clasps them to his left eye. "All right," growls the bartender, "fool me twice..." Again, he heads for the cash register and again the patron stops him. "Once more, double or nothing -- $80 says I take a piss from right here -- and fill that glass at the end of the bar without spilling a drop." This gives the bartender pause. The bar is about 20 feet long. 'No way' he thinks, and agrees to the wager. The patron proceeds to pull out his choad and piss with great force. Urine flies everywhere -- on the floor, on the bar, behind the bar, on other customers. The glass at the end of the bar remains dry. "BUWAHAHAHA!" bawls the bartender. "Lookit that -- not one drop in the glass! $80 -- pay up!" "That's alright," replies the patron. "I bet this other feller here $300 that I could piss all over your bar and you'd laugh at it."

Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine.
At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!" "Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and...
"You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"

A guy walks into a bar and notices he's the only one there, apart from the barkeep, who's on the phone. The barkeep signals him that he'll be with him in a minute. The guy nods and bellies up to the bar to wait. Suddenly, he hears a little voice say, "Hey, you're looking pretty sharp today. New suit?"
The guy looks around but can't see anyone else in the place.
He hears the voice again. "Seriously...you are looking good, chum. Have you lost weight?"
The guy looks around again and still doesn't see anyone.
"Hello?" he asks. "Is someone speaking to me?"
"You bet! I just had to say that I thought you were looking just super!" A bunch of other tiny voices suddenly rose in agreement.
The guy realizes now that these voices are coming from a bowl of beer nuts on the bar in front of him. He stares at them as the barkeep finally hangs up and comes to serve his only customer.
"What'll you have?" asks the barkeep.
"What?... Oh, a pint of ale, I guess", mutters the guy, still staring at the nuts.
He finally looks up at the barkeep drawing his pint. "What's the deal with these nuts?" he asks.
The barkeep brings the guy's pint over and sets it before him.
"They're complimentary", he shrugs.

There was once a lemur called Faizal. Faizal was no ordinary lemur. In fact, instead of wasting his time sitting around with the other lemurs, Faizal would spend his days and nights drinking at the local pub. Faizal became a legend, he would sit at the bar and tell stories of
lemur legend while everybody bought him drinks. Unfortunately, our friend Faizal had a bit of a temper, and became involved in a horrble dispute one night. One thing led to another and
Faizal was horribly dismembered by a young lout with a flicknife. His bloodied corpse lay on the pavement outside the pub, and his severed fluffy tale lay in the gutter. He was pronounced dead at the scene. So disheartened were the pub's patrons that they commisioned a plaque in
Faizals honour.They had his cute fluffy tale mounted to a mahogony plaque, which they hung above the bar. One Sunday evening after closing time, there was a knock on the pub door.
The bartender opened the door and who should be there but a ghostly possesed visage of the deceased Faizal. "Holy mother of Jesus" said the barman, "its Faizal". The ghost lifted a ghostly finger and pointed towards the plaque above the bar, and then towards his own ghostly severed stump where a tail should have been. "AH" said the barman, "you want your tail back, dont you ?" The ghostly lemur knodded. "Sorry ", said the barman "we dont retail spirits on a Sunday".

There's a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands... At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Carlsberg' orders a Carlsberg, and the list goes on... Then the waitress asks Freddie Heineken what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Heineken orders a Coke! "Why don't you order a Heineken?" his colleagues ask... "Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."

There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The first man said " I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!" The second man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet. The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in. Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says: " I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again." So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in." The first man says" Ok, sure." The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead. Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a bastard when you're pissed, Superman."

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon,
and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."

A high court judge is at a bar in a high class hotel where he is a regular visitor. He drinks into the small hours of the morning. On leaving the bar he vomits down the front of his suit then staggers to his parked car, which he manages to start and drives home in a most dangerous fashion. When he arrives at his mansion in a suburb, he falls out of the car, and staggers to the door which his wife opened. On seeing his state she enquired as to what had happened.
"I had a few civil drinks in the Shelburne hotel, and when I came out a drunk got sick all over me. But the police caught him and he's up in front of me in the morning. I'll give the swine 6 months in jail" he replied
His wife then sent him to the shower and then bed, while she made him some food and a hot drink. having put his soiled cloths in the wash she returned to the bedroom with his food. "How long did you say you would give the drunk in jail" she asked.
"6 months " he replied.
"Well you better make it 12 for he's shit in your trousers as well."

A blonde walks into a bar and the bar tender says the drinks are on the house. When the bar tender locks up, there is the blonde on the roof. He asks, "What are you doing up there?" She replies, "you told me the drinks were on the house."

A lady walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a rum and coke. The bartender grabs a glass and puts some ice in it with his hand. The lady says that is very unsanitary to touch the ice with your hands, the man says he is very sorry and grabs a pair of tongs and proceeds to put the ice cubes in one at a time. The bartender again says he is sorry and that he is a very sanitary person also and that's why I have this string hanging out of my pants. The lady asks why would that be? Well when I go to the bathroom I don't even touch my private I pull it out with this here string. The lady says wow, that is very sanitary , but how do ya put it back in. The bartender says oh, I just use them there tongs over there....

This Psychologist wants to try an experiment, so he gets three dogs. He gives one dog to an Architect, one to an Artist and the last one to a Bartender. After a couple of months he gets the dogs back to see what they've learned. He takes the Architect's dog and gives him a hundred bones, The Architect's dog runs out and builds a little dog house with them, Then he takes the Artist's dog and gives him a hundred bones. The Artist's dog runs out and builds a little statue with his bones. Well, thought the Psychologist, that makes sense, So he takes the Bartender's dog and gives him a hundred bones so the Bartender's dog grinds up the bones, snorts them, fucks the other two dogs and calls in sick for the next day of work!

A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar "Pint of best" he says to the bar man, Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables He goes up to him and says "Are you Vincent Van Gogh?" "Yes" the old man replies "do you want a pint?" "No, ta. I`ve got one `ere."

There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York there is a magical mirror If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you a wish If you lie - poof it swallows you up ok A brunette . a blonde and a redhead walk into this bar They head straight for the mirror and the redhead goes first She says" I think I'm the most beautiful woman on Earth" Poof- the mirror swallows her up The brunette goes up She says" I think I'm the sexiest woman on Earth" Poof - the mirror swallows her up Last is the blonde She says " I think........" Poof!!

A guy walks into a bar carrying a kitten in his hand. The bartender immediately tells him that he can't have the kitten in the bar. The guy apologizes, but asked if he could keep the cat and have just one drink, and leave. The bartender agreed, and after the guy drank his beer, he turned to leave. Stopping him the bartender asked, "Out of curiosity, why do you have a kitten with you?" The guy replied, "Beer always taste better when you've got a little pussy."

OK, a 3 foot midget walks into a bar and slips over on a pile of shit. Minutes later a huge tough guy walks into the bar and slips over on the pile of shit, the midget says to the big guy, "I just did that", and the big guy punches the midgets lights out.

There was a bar with a sign that read "Pianist Wanted." So this guy walks in there and says I'm here for the pianist job. The owner says well play us a tune and if you're good enough then you've got the job. So he sits down and plays a song that nearly puts the owner in tears. "Oh, what a great song! What's it called?" the manager asks. "It's called, the dog with 2 dicks and my wife's doin my brother!" "Um, that's strange but, play us one more tune." So the man plays another tune and this time the manager breaks down with tears. "What do you call that song?" he sheepishly asks. "The frog takin a shit and the camel with 3 humps!" he replies. The manager told him that he had the job on one condition. He must not tell the customers the names of the songs he is playing. He started that playing that night. After every song he would get a standing ovation. After about 2 hours he stood up and said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm going to take a quick break ad I will return in a few moments." So he ducked into the toilets to take a slash. On his way out a man passing said " Hey mate, do you know your zips undone and your cocks hangin out." "know it, I wrote it!"

A drunk walks into a bar and belligerently screams "i'll bet anyone in this bar $100.00 that I can whistle Dixie out my asshole". The bartender looking for a good laugh, produces $100.00 and lays it on the bar. The drunk matches his money, climbs up on top of the bar, drops his drawers, and proceeds to shit all over the place. (and of course it is runny beer shits) The bartender screams "What the fuck are you doing!?!" and the drunk replies "gimme a break pal, even Bing Crosby had to clear his throat."

A crocodile walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "Once upon a time there were three bears, mummy bear, daddy bear and baby bear. One day the three bears decided to go for a walk because it was a nice day. Whilst they were out this nosey little bitch called Goldilocks stumbled upon their home and by smashing a window entered the cottage. She walked into the kitchen and found three bowls of porridge, a small one, a medium one and a large one and being a greedy cow she ate all three up. Then she walked into the living room and saw three chairs - a small one, a medium one and a large one and being a dirty cow she pooed on each one. Then she went upstairs into the bedroom and saw three beds - a small one, a medium one and a large bed. First she sat on the biggest bed but it was too hard, then she sat on the medium sized bed but alas it was too soft and then she sat on the smallest bed and it was just right because it had a Teletubbies quilt cover. Goldilocks was so content that she fell asleep. Soon after, the three bears came back from their walk. "Who's been eating our food?" wailed mummy bear "It doesn't matter mummy" replied baby bear "Your food tastes like shit anyway!" Then the three bears walked into the living room "Who's been pooing on my chair?" wailed mummy bear. "It doesn't matter mummy" replied baby bear. "We always poo on our chairs." Then the three bears went upstairs because they were tired after their walk and they were looking forward to a bit of hanky panky because they are funny little bears. "WHO'S BEEN SLEEPING IN MY BED?" bellowed daddy bear. "Who's been sleeping in my bed?" cried mummy bear. "Look, look there's somebody in my bed" said baby bear with glee. On hearing all this commotion Goldilocks woke up with a fright and immediately ran downstairs and all the way home and that was the last they ever saw of Goldilocks.

A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi.
Surprised, the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here...where you from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania."
The bartender asks, "Whatchu do up in Pennsylvania?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist...what the hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says, "I mount dead animals."
The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us."

A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free drink?" The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal, toilet's right down the hall."

A guy goes into a bar and says, "Gimme a gin and tonic." The bartender reaches under the bar and places an apple on it. The guys looks and the apple skeptically and the bartender says, "Go ahead. Take a bite." The guy takes a bite and incredibly, it tastes like gin. The bartender smiles and says, "Turn it around." He does and it tastes like tonic. He finishes the apple.
A few minutes pass and the guy says, "Gimme a vodka and orange juice." The bartender once again reaches behind the bar and places another apple on it. The guy eyes the suspicious fruit and the bartender says, "Go ahead. Take a bite." He bites into it and he can't believe it. It tastes like vodka. The bartender smiles and says, "Turn it around." The guys turns the apple and it tastes like orange juice, so he finishes the apple.
Just then, a beautiful woman walks past the two men and the guy says to the bartender, "You know, I could sure go for some pussy about now." The bartender nods, reaches below the bar and produces yet another apple. The guys says, "No way man." The bartender says, "Go ahead. Take a bite."
He takes a bite and angrily spits out the apple. "Yuck!! That tastes like shit, man!!!" The bartender smiles and says, "Turn it around."

This guy walks into a bar in a hotel and has a couple drinks. After explaining to the bartender that he has no where else to go the female bartender said that she'd let him stay at the hotel for free if he promised not to harm the clothes she had hanging up in her room. The next morning she awakes angrily to find that her clothes were ripped and thrown on the floor, but when the man asked to stay another night she kindly offered the same room on the condition that he wouldn't shave her cat that slept in that room.
She awoke the next morning to find her cat completely shaved, but like the day before she once again offered the room to the homeless man if he told her that he would not paint the donkey she kept outside the hotel red. When she awoke to the following morning to find that her donkey was painted red she ran to the police station. When someone asked to help her she said "A man walked into my hotel, ripped my clothes off, shaved my pussy, and slapped my ass red."

A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risqué." "Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch--a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy." "Not so", says the guy, "the hamster is also a ventriloquist."

So a dyslexic walks into a bra . . .

Three guys sitting in a bar around a log fire with their dogs and get talkin' about them.
First one says "My dog is called woodworker.. go woodworker."
The dog grabs a log from fire and with his teeth and paws fashions a beautiful figurine.
Next one says "My dog is called stoneworker.. go stoneworker"
The dog drags a rock from the fire front and a beautiful carving emerges.
Third one says "My dog is called iron worker" he puts the fire tongs into the fire and gets them red hot. "Now," he says "I'll just touch him on the balls and you watch him make a bolt for the door."

A chicken walks into a bar.
The bartender says "We don't serve poultry!"
The chicken says "That's OK I just want a drink."

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a barstool next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

A pony walks into a bar and says "Bartender, may I have a drink?"
Bartender says "What? I can't hear you. speak up!"
"May I please have a drink?"
"What? You have to speak up!"
"Could I please have a drink?"
"Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not serve you."
"I'm sorry, I'm just a little hoarse."

Two cannibals walk into a bar and sits beside this clown. The first cannibal wacks the clown on the head and they both start eating the clown. Suddenly the second clown looks up and says, "Hey, do you taste something funny?"

A drunk stumbles out of a bar and he needs to pee, so he makes his way into the cemetery behind the tavern. He walks right to the edge of a freshly dug grave, loses his balance and falls in.
There's a puddle of water in the hole, and he spends the rest of the night yelling, "Help me, I'm cold! Someone help me, I'm cold!"
At closing time, another drunk walks behind the bar to piss, and hears the noise. He gets to the open grave, looks down and says, "Of course you're cold, you idiot, you kicked all the dirt off yourself!"

I was in a queue of traffic minding my own business. Bored out of my head, I decided to have a quick pick of the old nose. Unfortunately, while my finger was stuck up there, a car decided to run into the back of me, forcing my finger to places I hate to describe, and hence covering me in blood. When the driver of the car behind saw the state of me, he decided to call an ambulance. Too embarrassed to admit what I had been up to, I went to hospital only to find, two weeks later, a bill for 25 quid for the treatment received. If only I had admitted what had happened!

Misc Jokes • Pick Up Lines • 40 Signs You Have A Drinking Problem • Stories • Top

Pick Up Lines

1) Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
2) I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
3) That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.
4) I'd like to fuck your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
5) I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
6) If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
7) Guy: "Would you like to dance?" Girl: "I wouldn't dance with you." Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me. I said you look fat in that skirt."
8) Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lostmine.
9) I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
10) If your left leg was Christmas and your right leg Easter, can I come between the Holidays?
11) As long as my face is around, you'll always have somewhere to sit.
12) My cock may not be very big, love, but it will fill a pram.
13) I want to talk about the weather? 'Weather' or not you're going to suck my cock.
14) Do you like jewellery? Then try sucking my cock - it's a gem.
15) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away
16) Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?
17) I seem to have lost my bed. Can I borrow yours?
18) Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long.
19) Hey baby, I'm like American Express, you don't want to leave home without me.
20) Hi my name is _______, remember it, cause you'll be screaming it all night long.
21) Was your dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons.
22) (To be used to the uglier of two girls):Guy: "Do you want to dance?" Girl: "Yes I do." Guy "Fuck off then, I want to talk to your mate."
23) Guy: "My watch says you're not wearing any knickers" Girl: "I think you're wrong there" Guy, tapping watch, "Sorry, must be half an hour fast again"

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Stories

Little Johnny was twelve years old. Like other boys his age, he was curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. " "I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must of been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. "Finally, I found out what was making them so sick--a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about ten inches long, honest. Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. "When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake. "Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. "Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. "Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats, having nine lives or something. "This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After a thirty-five-minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet."

Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women
instead of Three Wise Men?
1: They would have asked directions.
2: Arrived on time.
3: Helped deliver the baby.
4: Cleaned the stable.
5: Made a casserole.
6: Brought practical gifts.

About a year ago my sister, who lives in Virginia, was talking with her
four year old son, Brent. He was asking her why all their relatives from
Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up.
"They think we have an accent," she replied.
"But they have an accent, right?", Brent asked. "They talk funny?"
"Everybody talks in different ways" she tried to explain.
"To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out."
His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You mean they hear
funny too?"

A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. Little Johnny handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, "My mom says I can take the course as long as there's no homework."

A couple of years ago, myself and a bunch of my friends rented a house at the beach for the summer. It was a nice house, and we were really trying to keep it in good shape as we wanted to get back the thousand dollars security deposit we had to put down on it. My friend Woody hooked up with this big Irish chick who was working in New Jersey for the summer (among a load of other Irish chicks). Well, on the last day of the summer there, we spent all day cleaning the house so that it sparkled, and stayed out at the bars all night instead of getting loaded inside and wrecking the place. Next morning, Woody told us to go look upstairs in his bedroom, where we find this huge hole bashed into the wall. What the fuck happened? we asked him. The sordid tale follows: Woody brings the big chick home for a shag, and in the middle of it he decides to "do a porno flip", whatever the hell that is, he tried to pick her up and swing her around, but centrifugal force took over and she fell into the wall, effectively robbing us of the security money we had worked all summer to keep.

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40 Signs You Have A Drinking Problem

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Classes start interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
You sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
That damned pink elephant followed you home again.
You believe "Two hands and just one mouth... That's a drinking problem."
When you enter a party people shout, "Norm!"
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Every woman you see has an exact twin.
Beer, Beer, Beer... is all you can say after the 12th one.
If you keep asking your wife, "Where are the kids?", but you don't really have a wife. She's actually your couch.
You fall off the floor.
You discover in the morning that your liquid cleaning supplies have mysteriously disappeared.
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
You had your "Spuds McKenzie" tattoo removed, and replaced it with "Red Dog."
5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, so you skip dinner.
Beer: it's not just for breakfast anymore.
The glass keeps missing your mouth.
Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
When you go to donate blood they ask what proof it is.
Mosquitoes and vampires catch a buzz after biting you.
You believe your only drinking problem is not having a drink right now.
At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.

A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks a clerk for an anal deodorant. The clerk explains that they don't stock such a thing. The man insists that he bought his last one from this store. The store clerk passes the man on to the pharmacist, who explains that the store has never stocked such an item. The man explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago, and has done for several years. The pharmacist asks the man to bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product. The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks why the customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of the underarm stick variety. The customer explains that the instructions on the reverse state, "Push up bottom to use."

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