A Collection of One-Liners

For Sale: Parachute. Used only once, never opened, small stain.

Why do psychics have to ask your name?

I drive way to fast to worry about cholesterol.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Eagles may soar, but weasels won’t get sucked into jet engines.

I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week.

I had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

I intend to live forever….so far so good.

If you ain’t making waves, you ain’t kicking hard enough.

Mental backup in progress—DO NOT DISTURB!

Televangelists: The Pro-Wrestlers of religion.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic mind, some just don’t have film.

Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

NOTICE: Energy Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you’ve run out of invisible ink?

Laughing Stock: Cattle with a sense of humor.

Wear short sleeves. Support your right to bare arms!

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cube kept getting stuck in my nose.

We can’t eat the Nolans; it’d be showbiz suicide.

All I want for Christmas is a box of Wombles and a mallet.

Gentlemen! You can’t fight in here, this is the war room.

Death alters one’s place in society.

I have a plan so cunning, you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel.

Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.

He’s always been close to the spirit of the thing.

Abstract expressionism, it’s what’s hot.

Frink!

Say something cutting and back it up with really big people.

Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.

Sarge, Pass me an Elf, this one’s split.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish (Euripides)

Bus Error: Passengers Dumped

COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods.

I’m a Leo. Loes don’t believe in this astrology stuff.

No problem is to big it can’t be run away from, Linus

If we don’t succeed, then we face the risk of failure (Dan Quayle)

Aging is bad, but consider the alternative.

Some would sooner die than think. In fact, they often do.

Never put off until run time what you can do at compile time.

James Bond never asked an AT&T rep for a source license to ‘kill’

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Not *the* Jane Harrington? Jane ‘Bury Me in a Y-Shaped Coffin’ Harrington?

Be gentle with me, it’s my first time.

I say we nuke the sight from orbit.

Peri Lover: He who appreciates a fine wine.

Power Amiga We dropped the PC for estethical reasons.

Go on, do Deformed Rabbit….it’s my favorite.

Imagination is the highest kite one can fly.

Sweet Helen, make me immortal with a kiss.

MS-DOS isn’t dead, it just smells that way.

Heisenburg may have slept here.

Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

The milkman brings us vodka, we drink it.

Recursive, adj.; see Recursive

C Code, C Code Run. Run Code, RUN! PLEASE!!!!

Jesus rose from the dead and the apostles can unto him saying “How’s Elvis?”

The Three Food Groups: Frozen, Instant, and Take Out.

Young Daleks in love: “IN-FA-TU-ATE!”

“Kissy, kissy.”

When we can’t dream any longer, we die.

I will walk in beauty.

I used to me Snow White, but I drifted (Mae West)

To a WWWA trouble consultant, recklessness is a way of life.

Programming graphics in X is like finding sqrt(pi) using Roman numerals.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Your superior intellect is no match for out puny weapons!

God does not play dice with the universe. (Albert Einstein)

Stay below the clouds and follow the M4, Now come on (Ruby Fox)

Albert, stop telling God what to do. (Niels Bohr)

Lies, dammed lies and user documentation.

2+2 = 5 for sufficiently large values of 2.

When I’m Good, I’m bad, when I’m bad, I’m better.

The street finds uses for things.

I’m a hero hunter. I hunt heroes. Haven’s found any yet.

Life’s a bitch, now so am I.

That right, he said, we’re philosophers. We think therefore we am.

There can be only one…

People didn’t hit you over the head with farmhouses back home.

One day a tortoise will learn how to fly.

Not a man to mince words. People yes, but not words.

A good bookshop is just a gentle Black Hole that knows how to read.

Go ahead, bake my quiche.

Thunder rolled. …. It rolled a six.

Right, you bastards, you’re…you’re geography.

Tourist, Rincewood decided, meant idiot.

Elephant—A mouse with an IBM operating system.

2 prevent splatter, cover dish before microwaving hamster.

2400 is for wimps.

The food here is terrible. And such small portions.

A spanking is needed here.

A)bort, R)etry, or T)ell your boss it was a virus?

Amish pick up line: Thy buggy has a bitchin’ lacquer job!

BABY ON BOARD. Just means five more points.

Bad news. These are the good old days.

Black holes are where God divides by zero.

You’re as much use as a condom machine at the Vatican.

Oxygen is for losers!

I’ll play with it first and tell you what it is later.

I never loved another person the way I loved myself.

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

It is a pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night.

The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work? A stick.

A little caution outflanks a large cavalry.

Dennis, there’s some lovely filth down here.

Everybody ends up kissing the wrong person goodnight.

Where exactly did you bury the car? In the SAND?

Don’t you just hate it when that happens.

In the recuperation lounge, you twonk!

NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition.

It’s a chain saw. I always carry one for emergencies.

All right, I’ll have the dead unjuggled rabbit fish.

There’s a dead bishop on the landing dad!

Honest Officer, the dwarf was on fire when I got here.

He’s dead Jim. Grab his tricorder. I’ll get his wallet.

Beware of quantum ducks—Quark! Quark!

A Smith & Weston beats 4 Aces.

No! Not the knights who say NI!

Spam! Lovely Spam!

It’s not crippleware, it’s functionally challenged.

I’m not stupid. I’m not expendable. I’m not going.

Even with an IQ of 6000, it’s still brown trousers time.

Be excellent to each other & party on dudes!

God made him simple. Science made him god.

The computer is your friend.

I like arithmetic ifs, they make code more interesting.

Me? Sexist? Some of my best friends are bimbos.

First, shalt thou pull out thy holy pin.

Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.

Now that’s what I call a dead parrot.

Neurotoxin lite! Tastes great. Less drooling.

Radios will fair as soon as you need fire support desperately.

Resistance is useless.

Support your right to keep and arm Bears!

There should be a low to hunt those things with a 12 ga. Shotguns!

We’ll burn that bridge when we come to it.

Ace, hand me some of that Nitro 9 you’re not carrying.

All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.

By any means necessary.

It’s a pity she won’t live forever, but then again, who does.

Fortunately Chancellor Baldrick had a cunning plan.

It’s not an easy thing to meet your maker.

The light that burns twice as bright, burns half as long.

Don’t think twice, it’s all right.

Neo-Taoist-Techno-pagan. Hair The Holy Motherboard.

Wake up. Time to die

This product cruelly tested on defenseless furry animals.

Quantum particles, the dreams stuff is made of.

I’m not dead. I’m electroencephalographically challenged.

Got a light mac? Nope, it’s a beige 386SX.

LAPD moto: We treat you like a King.

Advertising is 85% confusion, 15% commission.

An engineer is someone who does list processing in Fortran.

An honest politician is one who, when bought, stays bought.

Vampire error: A)vert, R)eflect, I)mpale

Veni, vidi, Visa (we came, we saw, we shopped)

True multitasking, 3 PC’s and a chair with wheels.

Three most dangerous things in the world: User with idea.

Those who can’t write, write technical manuals.

Young at heart, slightly older in other places.

You Klingon son, you killed my bastard! No, wait, that’s not it.

Where there’s smoke, there’s toast.

What’s the point spread on WWIII

What’s the stalling speed of a swallow?

What in the HELL are you smoking, and can I have some??

Purranoia: The fear your cats up to something.

PsychoCeramics: The study of crackpots.

Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most viscous animal on Earth.

Power corrupts, absolute power is pretty cool though.

Polar Bear, Cartesian Bear after coordinate transformation.

Magic is real, unless declared an integer.

Forget the Joneses, I can’t keep up with the Simpsons!

You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?? (Michelangelo)

Cops don’t beat people, night sticks do.

California driving lesson #1: To change lanes, first pull out your 9mm.

B.I.T.C.H. Beautiful, Intelligent, Talented, Charming, and Horny.

Dogs don’t crawl under fences, software crawls under windows.

I love the smell of Napalm in the morning.

Eskimos are God’s frozen people.

If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?

Cry ‘ribbit’ and let slip the frogs of war.

Desk: A very large waste basket with drawers.

You know my motto: forgive and uh, that other thing.

Dijon Vu: The feeling you’ve tasted this mustard before.

A mild case of mood poisoning, must be something I hate.

Use the mouse Luke (Obi Wan Gates)

Dave. Yes HAL. Put down those Windows disks, Dave. Dave.. DAVE!!

I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."

My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."

The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."

"I'd rather regret the things I have done than the things I have not." --Lucille Ball

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle! They're on TV! -- Homer Simpson

If I had some ham, I could have some ham and eggs, if I had some eggs.

No, officer. I do not wish to give up my right to remain silent!!

Reality is a big, nasty, vicious dragon, but I don't believe in dragons.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny. -- Jack Handey

He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it. -- Douglas Adams

A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.

After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, 'Maybe life isn't for everyone.' -- Larry Brown

"I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions --but I don't always agree with them." -George Bush, US President

"Please provide the date of your death." -from an IRS letter

"We are sorry to announce that Mr Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover." -Parish Magazine

"One of their children, Cain, once asked, 'Am I my brother's son?'" -Student Bloopers

Sure, the pesticide chlordane is going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway.

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

My wife said I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. -- George Carlin

We have strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm wonderful.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.--Groucho Marx

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. -- W.C.Fields

I filled out an application that said, "In Case of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?

Sign outside the Fountain of Youth Health Spa in Salt Lake City: Are You Fat And Ugly? Do You Want To Be Just Ugly? Memberships Available Now.

I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.

I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again. -- Marin County newspaper's TV listing for "The Wizard of Oz"

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is a little like having a peeing section in a pool.

Robin: Holy Kleenex, Batman! It was right under our nose and we blew it!

Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

"Bother," said Pooh as the brakes went out.

Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend's forehead.

In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death.

Alone: In bad company.

If ever you should need my life, come and take it.

Razors pain you. Rivers are damp. Acids stain you and drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't awful; nooses give. Gas smells awful; you might as well live.

If I had some ham, I could have some ham and eggs, if I had some eggs.

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.

Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.

The trick to flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Be alert - the world needs more lerts.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.

You can lead a horse to water, but, a pencil must be lead.

If you can't beat em', arrange to have them beaten.

c-e-i-e-i-o is actually a gross misspelling of the word "farm."

George Washington's brother was the uncle of our country.

A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

If your parents never had children, chances are, you won’t either.

Save a tree: Eat a beaver.

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