Gender Humor

I'm Glad I'm A Man
I'm Glad I'm A Woman
Men's Rules for Women
Women and Bathrooms
Female Viagra
The Top 10 Things You`ll Never Hear A Man Say
The Top 10 Things You`ll Never Hear A Woman Say

I'm Glad I'm A Man

I`m glad I`m a man, you better believe.
I don`t live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
I don`t bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west
I don`t get wasted after only 2 beers
and when I do drink I don`t end up in tears.

I won`t spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair
and I don`t go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don`t whine in public and make us leave early
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I'm Glad I'm A Woman

I`m glad I`m a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don`t live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don`t brag to my buddies about my erections
I won`t drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don`t get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won`t grab your hooters, I won`t pinch your butt
my belt buckle`s not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don`t go around "readjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don`t belch in public, I don`t scratch my behind
I`m a woman you see -- I`m just not that kind!

I`m glad I`m a woman, I`m so glad I could sing
I don`t have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn`t grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can`t see 3 inches of crack
And what`s on my head doesn`t leave with my comb
I`ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I`m a woman, you know -- I`ve got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don`t live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don`t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won`t tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I`m glad I`m a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don`t long for male bonding, I don`t cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I`m a woman by chance and I`m thankful it`s true
I`m so glad I`m a woman and not a man like you!

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Men's Rules for Women

1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet up when you are done.
2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.
3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.
4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.
5. Shopping is not fascinating.
6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
-- Unless the answer is yes. --
-- In which case, can he videotape it? --
-- If you really want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking jerks. --
7. The man is always in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
8. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.
9. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.
10. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (i.e. Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc.) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
11. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
12. He heard you the first time.
13. You know, you can ask him out too. let's spread the rejection around a little.
14. If you truly want honesty, Don't ask questions you Don't really want the answer.
15. Of course he wants another beer.
16. The guy doesn't always have to sleep on the wet spot.
17. Dogs are good. Cats are bad.
18. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.
19. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to sit through "Showgirls".
20. "Fine." is not an acceptable way to end an argument.
21. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.
22. He was not looking at that other girl.
-- Well, okay... maybe a little. --
-- Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy... --
23. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.
24. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look darn good. Stop asking.
25. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will never fake an orgasm.
26. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
27. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.
28. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it.
29. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.
30. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with.
31. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.
32. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.
33. Don't hog the covers.
34. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon it.
35. He does not just want to be friends.
36. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence: "You know, why Don't we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?"

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The Top 10 Things You`ll Never Hear A Man Say

10. Here honey, you use the remote.
9. You know, I`d like to see her again, but her breasts are just toobig.
8. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That`s one movie I gotta see!
7. While I`m up, can I get you a beer?
6. Honey since we don`t have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
5. Sex isn`t that important; sometimes, I just like to be held.
4. Why don`t you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
3. Aww, forget Monday night football, let`s watch Melrose Place.
2. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
...and the number 1 thing a man will never say:
1. We never talk anymore.

The Top 10 Things You`ll Never Hear A Woman Say

10. What do you mean today`s our anniversary?
9. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I`d rather just watch TV.
8. Ohh, this diamond is way too big!
7. And for our honeymoon we`re going fishing in Alaska!
6. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I`m tired of being just friends.
5. Honey does this outfit make my butt look too small?
4. Aww, don`t stop for directions, I`m sure you`ll be able to figure out how to get there.
3. Is that phone for me? Tell `em I`m not here.
2. I don`t care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
...and the number 1 thing you`ll never hear a woman say:
1. Hey, get a whiff of that one!

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Women and Bathrooms

11 Different Types of Women in the Bathroom

Indifferent - Rushes in, raises dress with a "whoop", pulls crotch of anties aside and squats with great force, rattling windows and causing breasts to bob up and down. Hums lively tunes and sounds like a bucket of water being poured from a third story window.
Cautious - Has heard of so many girls contracting VD from toilet seats thatshe straddles bowl, leans over to flush, pees on her nylons.
Worried - A week past due. Squats thoughtfully, counting days overdue on fingers. Uses toilet paper, examines it hopefully. Peers into toilet beforeflushing, sighing deeply. Walks out biting nails after forgetting to wash hands. Resolves never to go to bed drunk again.
Conceited - Approaches toilet with undulating movements, giving the other girls high-fives. Raises dress by fingertips. Expression while peeing indicates that such a lovely creature should not be compelled to attend tosuch lowly duties. This type farts louder than a firecracker and stinks like a goat.
Sloppy - Skirt drags in toilet while squatting, pees all over front of toilet seat, never uses toilet paper, drags her business all over seat, forgets to flush and emerges with back of skirt caught in pants.
Timid - Looks under stall door to see if anyone else is in the can, turns on faucet full force, backs up to toilet, squats quickly, flushes for constant flow of water, coughs, hums, listens intently to learn if sound other than faucet can be heard. Ends up with loud fart, walks out blushing.
Cross-Eyed - Sits on one cheek on the side of the seat and pees all over the floor. Usually wears rubber boots on her visits to the can and carries a box of Kleenex in her purse.
Frivolous - Lets stream go in little squirts to the tune of "Row, Row, RowYour Boat".
Literary - Always takes book of the month to the can with her. Blames "Forever Amber" for her piles.
Big Time - Always leaves toilet door open while she chats and brags to theother girls about the guy she "had" last night. Shows girls her panties with black lace edging and "Welcome" embroidered in the crotch. Has never been to bed with a man.
Drunk - Wobbles to toilet. After several attempts, manages to raise dress. Squats on toilet with shrieks of laughter, pees for a while singing happy little songs. Suddenly starts sobbing uncontrollably as she realizes that she forgot to pull her panties down. Sighs, continues to pee and sob.

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Female Viagra

With the introduction of Viagra to fix a perennial male problem, a famous pharmaceutical company is working to redress the balance.
MIRRORCILLIN - A 5cc dose enables a woman to walk past mirrors for up tofour hours without pausing once.
STOPPANAGGIN - Gives women a vague feeling of contentment towards theirspouse/boyfriend.
COSMOPOLIRA - Doubles female intelligence to almost simian levels, allowing 'facts' in trash lifestyle magazines to be disputed.
LOGICON - Trials showed that females taking this were able to follow aproposition through to its logical conclusion, and argue effectively without being diverted into non relevant postulates such as 'you don't love me anymore'.
PARKATRON - 72% of women taking this were able to safely reverse park aFord Fiesta into a space only 12 meters long; 54% achieved this in under15 minutes.
MAGNATACK - Uniquely distorts the cornea, making certain shapes appearmuch larger than in reality - no practical use for this drug has yetbeen found.
WARDROBIA - Clinical trials show that almost 23% of women taking thisdrug can safely walk past a sale notice, and an amazing 42% stayedwithin their credit limit.
BEERINTULIN - Engenders a female desire to bring her spouse/boyfriendalcoholic beverages and snacks during televised sports.

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