Things to do on a Final You Will Fail Anyway

1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming, "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!"

2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Red questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOOO sure that you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.

4. On the answer sheet, find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative

5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say, "They've found me, I have to leave the country." And run off.

6. 15 minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell, "Merry Christmas!" If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat the process every 15 minutes.

7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, and a towel on your head, and nothing else.

8. Come down with a bad case of Terrett's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when she/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

11. Ever 5 minutes, stand up, collect your things, and move to another seat, and continue the test.

12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

13. Get the exam. 20 minutes into it, throw you papers down violently, and scream out, "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.

14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (ie. Threaten the instructor that whether of not everyone's done, they are all leaving after 1 hour to go drink.)

15. Show up completely drunk.

16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling, "I'm here, the phantom of the opera!" until they drag you away.

18. If the exam is math/science, make up the longest proof you can think of. If possible, get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

19. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often, consider a small sacrifice.

21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in, and leave.

23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary.

24. Masturbate.

25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. After about 5 minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"

26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up.

27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "The light bulb that goes on aboFriday, February 27, 2004Duh!"

29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructors requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave, begin whistling the theme to Bridge on River Kwai.

30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

31. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say, "Oh geeze, better get cracking." Do some gibberish work, turn it in a few minutes early.

32. Do the whole exam as if it were multiple choice and true/false. If it is multiple choice, spell out things.

33. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, and while laughing loudly say, "You don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our lives is on!"

34. Bring a water pistol with you. Enough said.

35. Bring cheat sheets for another class and staple them to the exam with a note that says Please use attached notes for reference as you see fit.

36. When you walk in, complain about the heat and strip.

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