Computer Humor

You Know You`re Taking Computers Too Seriously When...
You Know You've Been on the Computer Too Long When...
Mouse Balls
Redneck Computer Meanings
Proper Diskette Care and Usage
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road
10 Commandments Of E-Mail
Girlfriend 3.1
Recent Computer Virus Infection
Computer Viruses

You Know You`re Taking Computers Too Seriously When...

You recognize two or more parcel delivery truck drivers and can call them by name.
One of the package delivery drivers attends your wedding.
You pay for software to be delivered "next day air" when you really don`t need it that quickly.
You know your package "tracking number" by heart.
All your friends and relatives give you blank diskettes for your birthday and Christmas presents.
Have your wife name your computer as the co-respondent in your divorce papers.
Have never bought one of the "dummies" books.
Bought all the "dummies" books for your wife/husband to get them involved in computers.
Stay on the Internet so much that your commercial provider makes you buy a corporate account.
Ask a potential mate for their e-mail address rather than their sign.
When you wash clothes, you find stray diskettes in your pockets.
You hear the word "Windows" on a TV commercial and wrestle the remote away from your wife to turn up the volume only to find out it`s a commercial selling new windows for houses.
You refuse to delete programs off your hard drive that you haven`t used in two years.
You overhear a co-worker mention the word bulletin board and interrupt the conversation only to learn he`s talking about a notice on the company bulletin board.
Can operate three or more communication packages.
Know what IDE, RAM, CMOS, MEGS, VESA and SCSI stand for.
Start looking at new hard drives when you get less than 200 megs of space free on your present drives.
Subscribe to more than three monthly computer magazines.
Go out and buy 50 new floppies rather than go through the 300 used ones you have and delete the files on them.
Get copies of programs from your friends and never use them.
Have more than five books on the Internet.
Can`t carry on a conversation without changing it to computers.
Drop everything you`re doing to go out and purchase the new program you just read about in a computer magazine.
Start figuring "must have" computer upgrades into the family budget.
Try to "sell" computers by talking about how great they are to all your friends and relatives, telling them they`ve "got to have one."
Have at least one more computer than people who live in the house.
Memorize the telephone numbers of your favorite computer stores.
Upgrade computer software packages as soon as you get notice that one`s available, even if the new features aren`t something you`ll use.
Call your computer by a name.
Become the guy that everyone at work comes to with their computer problems.
Consider calling Microsoft in the United Kingdom to get an early copy of a program you can`t buy here.
Take your computer on vacation with you, even if you go camping.

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You Know You've Been on the Computer Too Long When...

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
When your wife says "If you don't turn off that stupid machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the "else" clause.
You try to sleep, and think sleep(8 * 3600); /* sleep for 8 hours /
When you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page.
When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
When you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want.
When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your network address faster than your postal one.
When you look for a icon to double-click to open your bedroom window.
When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.
When you look for a trash can icon for throwing garbage.

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Proper Diskette Care and Usage

(1) Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the
disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be
rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
(2) Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal
particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of
the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring
powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is
even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better
access time.
(3) Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big"
Diskettes may be folded and used in "Little" drives.
(4) Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can
fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the
drive.
(5) Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy
machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert
TWO diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data
will be written onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup
copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to
make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes
before inserting them into the drive.
(6) Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the
red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or
possibly unreadable text. ccasionally, the red light remains flashing in
what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking,
you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to
access the slot.
(7) If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the
disk from the drive and shake vigourously for two minutes. This will
pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be
sure to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.
(8) Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in
the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points
to the disk.
(9) Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs
from spreading.....
(10) You can keep your data fresh by storing disks in the vegetable
compartment of your refrigerator. Disks may be frozen, but remember to
un thaw by microwaving or briefly immersing in boiling water.
(11) "Little" diskettes must be removed from their box prior to use.
These containers are childproof to prevent tampering by unknowledgeable
youngsters.
(12) You can recover data from a damaged disk by using the DOS command:
FORMAT /U or alternatively by scratching new sector marks on the disk
with a nail file.
(13) Diskettes become "hard" with age. It`s important to back up your
"hard" disks before they become too brittle to use.
(14) Make sure you label your data. Staples are a good way to
permanently affix labels to your disks.

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Girlfriend 3.1

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0).
Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0 and it`s a memory hogger, has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything.
Although he didn`t ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.
Some features I`d like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0.

--A "Don`t remind me again" button--
--Minimize button --
--Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don`t lose cache and other objects)--

I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn`t have an uninstall program. I tried touninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.
Another thing that sucks -- in all versions of Girlfriend that I`ve used is that it is totally "object oriented" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

***** BUG WARNING ********
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

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Redneck Computer Meanings

ADOBE PHOTOSHOP : red bilding ware you git yur pictur took
JAVA APPLETS : fritters for dunkin
32 BIT RESOLUTION : motion to spend four dollars (2 bits is still 25 cents)
NETSCAPE NAVIGATOR ; leeder of fish eludin comershal fishermen
DRIVE COMPATABILITY : a long car ride with your wife without fightin
EXPANSION SLOT : extra hole in yur belt ya use wen ya overeat
BACKUP DISC : spare frisbie
RAM CHIP : male sheep droppins
TOKEN RING : wat ya usta git on the merry-go-round to gitttt a free ride
PROXY SERVER : souppini deliverer wen ya cant do it yurself
DIGITAL CONTROL : wut yur fingers do on the TV remote
HARD DRIVE : gettin home in the muddy season with a flat tire
MAIN FRAME : wut holds up the barn roof
CD ROM : place in the bank ware they sell thos big notes
LASER PRINTER : fella too tired ta rite his ma
MICROSOFT WORD : whisper
MICROSOFT WINDOWS : small plastic thing on return envelopes
PLOTTER PEN : jail for conspirators and terrorists
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: wen ya cant member wen yer wife asks ware ya were
ZIP DRIVE : goin fast at NASCAR
JAZZ DRIVE ; fancy new sports car
REAL TIME : awake and not dreaming
INTERNET EXPLORER : a currous fish
MEMORY CARD : used to cheat on tests
DOT MATRIX : Tom Matrix's wife
FLOPPY DISK : soggy pizza (2) wucha git from liftin too much farwood
DISC OPERATING SYSTEM : wut the doc uses to fix your floppy disc
MOTOR HOUSING : a winnebago
SUPERCONDUCTORS : Glenn Miller, Doc Severnsen, Lawrence Welk
MOTHERBOARD : source of toothpicks
MULTICASTING : two actors taking turns playing a part in a play
MICROFICHE : tiny fish used fur bait
DOWNTIME : period of depression
CLONES : fans of the jungle or two guys in circus in funny suits
ROM : host of the jungles name, the Popes home or good to mix with Coca Cola.
RAM : lambs daddy or whacha do to a car goin too slow on the hiway
ETHERNET : wut the doc puts on your face in surgery to make ya sleep
BROWSER : fella reedin PLAYBOY in the drug store
SERVER : gal in resterant that brings yur food
WEBSITE : ware spiders catch flies
CACHE needed when yur credit cards max out and ya hav no food stamps
PRINTER : fella who can't rite in handritin
CODING : illegal drug that makes you high
NEWSGROUP : wives gossippin
HOMEPAGE : place in the newspaper with houses for sale
FONT : discover as in "I font it at a garage sale"
VERSION : wucha dislike as in "he has a version to broccoli "
PLUG-IN : push the end of the TV cord into the wall
ICON : braggin as in "icon lift yur truk with one arm"
NETWORK : ESPN, FOX, NBC or a way to get bait
MICROPROCESSOR : fine meat chopper fur making sausagee
VECTOR : winner of the fite or race
OVERWRITE : what makes yur checks bounce
UNZIP : open yur pants
JOYSTICK : wat you open yur pants fur
FLOPPY : after sex
UPGRADE : skule term fur permoshun as upgrade to secund after jus two yeers in furst or when teechur changes an "F" to a "D"
PROGRAM : wuts on the TV when there's receptshun
PROGRAMMER : fella with the TV remote
MEGABYTE : wucha git from Meg durin luvmakin
FORTAN : wats inside cookies at Chinese restrants or lots of money
DEBUGGER : a roach motel
MULTISYNC : two washing areas in the same bathroom
DOS : opposite of dont's
MOUSE : fuzzy white thing wut eats the horses grain in the barn and ya can stuff in your beer bottle to get a free case
SPAM : meat for special occashuns
PORT : fancy wine
FAX : wucha lie about to the IRS
HACKER : granpa after 62 years of smokin
EDIT : wucha do with food
INSTALL : ware ya keep your horse
REBOOT : wucha do wen ya step in horse manuer
CURSOR : wucha do wen yur mad at yur wife
BIT : a wager as in "I bit ya can't spit that chawin tibacco across the road"
RELOAD : fill the frig with 6-pacs and chips
TEXT : dude from Dallas
DOMAIN : most importint as "he's domain boss"
MODEM : whacha do to the grass twisa yeer
FREEZE : releases from captivity as Bruce Willis freeze the hostiges in Die Hard
DISKETTE : female disco dancer
SCANNER : watchin a female disco dancer
BACKUP : takin the truk outa the driveway
SOFTWARE : them plastic eatin utensils ya git at MacDonalds
BUG : thing on phone to check yur wife's calls
TERMINAL : time to call the undertaker
ENCRYPTION : what the undertaker duz to ya
LAPTOP : ware the little kids jump on to sit
PRINTOUT : wen ya uz a eracer or whiteout to curect a mistake
FORMAT : small rug to wipe your feet on wen ya go inta the house on a muddy day
FAQ : used with "you", wut you yell when someone cuts ya off
BYTE : wut them dang flys and muskitos do.
PROMPT : wucha wish the mail was in mud season
FIREWALL : ware ya practises yur target shutin
C++ : superior grade in skool
UPDATE : wen ya rite a check so it cant be used until next month
INTERFACE : wat happens when two teens with braces kiss
IBM : anser wen teechur calls yur name
MAC : yur kids favorite food
APPLE : needed for pan dowdy and fritters
MICROSOFT : defrostin a TV dinner in the microwave
NOVELL : a fictional book or a new way of doin sumthing
SCREEN : thing to keep the flies out
CHIP : munchies fer the TV
MICROCHIP : wuts left in the munchie bag when the chips are gone
INFRARED : ware the leftovers go when Fred's here
ENTER : notherner talk fer "cumin, ya all"
KEYBOARD : ware ya hang yur truk keys
LOG ON : making a wood stove hotter
LOG OFF : takin the wood off the pile fur usin
MONITOR : teachur's helper at lunch
DOWNLOAD : gettin the farwood off the truk
MEGAHERTZ : watcha git when yer not keerful gettin the farwood
MANUAL : truk without automatic geers
DIGITAL : a questshun as "digital hur ta bring the beer" or numbers on a watch
PACKET : wucha do to a suitcase before a trip
ITALIC : furriner from Rome
ORICLE : earlobe
CODE : wen yu gotta snooty nose and coff
HARDCODE : wen the snoot in yer nose gets real dry
VIRUS : same as a code but wurse
CLIPBOARD : place you keep yur ammo
INTERNET : wut the bait duz wen ya catch it
HARDWARE : leather and spats
FILE : wut yur wile uses on her nails
ALIAS : name ya use at a motel
COBAL : guys and gals playing softball together at cunpany picnics
LAN : to borrow as, "Bert, lan me yur truk" or the grass in fronta yur house
SUPPORT : drink fancy wine slowly or whut ya use suspenders fur
CRASH : wen yur truk hits a tree or wen you go to Junior's party uninvited
RAID : used to kill bugs or wen the cops crash yur pot party
FRAME : wen the cops bring ther own pot to the party
E-MAIL : not a sissy or weeklin
APPLICATION : put salve on yur skin
PASSWORD : "fore", used wen playin golf
INTERACTIVE : run into the house
BINARY : having friends of both sexes
INDEX : what poker cards cum in
WINDOW : place in a truk to hang your guns
WINDOWS : wucha shut when its 30 below
WORM : wacha put on a fish hook
BANDWIDTH: mens are larger on a watch
MENU : restarent list
SECURITY : bank guard

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Mouse Balls

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.

"Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit).
Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure,replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items."

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Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road - Computer Version

Assembler Chicken: First it builds the road ...
C Chicken: It crosses the road without looking both ways.
C++ Chicken: The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply
refer to him on the other side.
Cray Chicken: Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.
Delphi Chicken: The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.
G3 300 mH Chicken: It crosses twice as fast as any Pentium chicken
Gopher Chicken: Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.
Intel Pentium Chicken: The chicken crossed 4.9999978 times.
Iomega Chicken: The chicken should have backed up before crossing.
Java Chicken: If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets.)
Lotus Chicken: Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do!
Mac Chicken: No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there's no way to tell it to.
Microsoft Chicken (TM): It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.
Newton Chicken: Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket!
NT Chicken: Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.
OOP Chicken: It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.
OS/2 Chicken: It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.
OS/ 8.1 HFS+ Chicken: It had much more free space to cross.
Quantum Logic Chicken: The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your choice.
VB Chicken: USHighways! (aChicken)
Web Chicken: Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.
Windows 95 Chicken: You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like ... chicken.
Windows 98 Chicken: It should have expected to cause a crash while crossing.

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10 Commandments Of E-Mail

Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.
Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.
Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.
Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.
When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.

And, here's the "Golden Rule" of e-mail:
That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.

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Computer Viruses

Ellen Degeneres virus: Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC
Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer
Titanic virus: Makes your whole computer go down
Disney virus: Everything in the computer goes Goofy
Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte
Prozac virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn'tcare
Sharon Stone virus: Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.
Lorena Bobbit virus: Turns your hard disk into a floppy
Tim Allen virus: Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact
Woody Allen virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card
Saddam Hussein virus: Won't let Jews into any of their programs
Tonya Harding virus: Turns your BAT files into lethal weapons
George Michaels virus: Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup
Joey Buttafuoco virus: Only attacks minor files
X-files virus: All your Icons start shape shifting
Spice Girl virus: Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop
Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored
Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus: Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them
Sony Bono virus: Just when you get surfing the firewall appears out of no where
Martha Stewart virus: Takes all your files, sorts them by category, folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop
Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. But it will be back.

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Recent Computer Virus Infection

Don't get hit by one of these recently spotted infections:

BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then reattaches it. (But that part will never work properly again.)
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 10GB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 1GB, and then slowly expands back to 10GB.
AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by floppy.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counsellor about possible alternatives.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. it'll be back.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of peoplereally mad just thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of littleunits, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
AIRLINE VIRUS: you're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls, service stations and fast food joints across rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs....No newfiles!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.
CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your Pentium machine perform like a 286/AT.
LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self defense".
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.
ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, it's programmer will take it back.

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